Four.

Four boys have told me that they want to marry me. Four young men have convinced me that they will love me forever and never leave. I am 18 today. I can say that those people are dust as much as I want. I can explain to you in ten different languages that they don’t matter and that I don’t think about them and that they have left no residue on the upcoming steps of my future. But that’s not true. They are the reason I have to break eye contact after 45 seconds. They are the reason that I sometimes stare blankly at you when you tell me how you feel, when you entirely pour your heart out. I feel like I’m under a spell. I’ve heard it all and I can say nothing of originality to you. I feel like I’m in a glass box slamming my fists on the walls screaming “Hear me! Hear me!” but no one’s listening. I know you believe me. I know you know that I love you. But why can’t I trust myself enough to understand that you believe me? Am I trying so hard to make you realize that you aren’t getting lied to just to protect you from what happened to me? I don’t know how to break this.  There are memories everywhere and when I’m there with you I just want to scream out. Do those boys feel the burden I feel when they tell a girl that they love them and want to stand by them forever? Do you they feel it but feel guilty because of how they lied before? Do they spend hours upon hours thinking up ways to justify the words they say to them? I wish I had a zipper straight down the center of my chest they I could just unzip for you and say “See? See!”. But I don’t, and here I am. I love you, but you may never understand how much.


There’s one thing I want to say, so I’ll be brave. You were what I wanted, I gave what I gave. I’m not sorry I met you, I’m not sorry it’s over. I’m not sorry there’s nothing to save.

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