Nostalgic this week…

I got my stuff back from Jon. Rather, the box of things to remind him of me while he was away in Washington for two months. I didn’t get it back from him directly; through a friend. It made me a bit sad to see those things that we once held precious again, they seemed almost yellowed in that heart-shaped box. There were rose petals missing and my lock necklace had been rubbed raw. That’s all I’ll say about that. We are done now.

College matters are still up in the air, literally. Radford wrote me and said they want to wait to make a decision until they see my first semester grades. GMU said no but I re-applied because several people told me I might have a better chance applying regular admission. I’m still waiting on a decision from Mary Washington, but I’m sort of settling into the idea that I won’t get in there, certainly if I didn’t get into Radford right away. After getting a semi-no from two schools I applied to Longwood and UVA at Wise, just for kicks. We shall see how that goes.

Things with Erik are still wonderful. I wake up every morning with a smile on my face, and it’s because of him. We’ve had several near-conflicts, but nothing serious. As long as two people are separate entities, there will be disagreement. We avoid it profusely for the most part, dropping it when it raises from the depths of uncharted waters. And that’s the way any stupid little issue should be handled. Why did it take this long for me to develop that skill? To just drop something, come back to it later or let it die, like a bill in Congress. Helpful tool on the spot, but oh the questions it leaves unanswered.

It’s time, it is. It’s time for nothing to phase me. When we drive past his dorm, don’t shutter when you see his Celica in the parking lot. When you see the spoiler of his Accord turn into Fentress loop, the Dallas dogtag still hanging from the rearview mirror, let it pass away and not evidently over your face. Also, don’t let other’s potential presence falter your actions because you’re trying so copiously to avoid them. Do what you want and see like as a bowling game. You will race toward the pins no matter what you do, but just knock them down upon contact and keep rolling.

It is time. Time to forget. Time to float. Time for total and complete devotion. Everyone is no one.

[Side note: I see what you’re doing. You knew he would be at that show. You knew it. You didn’t fucking go because you like the band. That’s right, pull down your top and straighten out your hair when you walk past him, give him the shifty eye or act like you’re surprised, but you know you don’t belong there. Neither do I, but we all see right fucking through you. He knows better now. You’re not a threat, I won’t give you the satifaction of that. You’re the dusty, dirty moth that continously slams its body against the bright light of a lanturn, but you will only wear yourself out from trying too hard and you will fall. You will fall, and I will do everything in my power to make sure you stay down. You are the dregs at the bottom of cheap wine, and you will not fuck up my life again. Try as you might, I’d like to see your stuggle.]


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