“You know what you are? You are every time I say ‘please’ or ‘thank you’, like when someone asks me to do a favor and I say ‘What’s in it for me?’… You’re how that pays off.”

Have you ever taken a step back from your relationship and look inwards on the mess or beauty of it and wondered if you really think the promises you’re making to the other person are feasible? I remember doing that with Eric, and convincing myself that these things would happen. It wasn’t that I wanted them so badly that I convinced myself they were in reach, it was that I wanted it to be true, forever love so badly that I would lie to myself to make it so. What the hell was my rush? The struggle is still clear in my memory; it was like trying to form watery clay into an articulate shape, but it would just collapse into a blob again.

This is different. This is going to happen. I can’t think of an instance where it wouldn’t. I understand the going away to college and potentially growing apart thing, but there are breaks from college. I understand the potential of new boys at school, but a thousand cute acoustic-guitar playing cardigan-wearing hipster boys couldn’t match my power chord playing, tree climbing, dancing machine of a boyfriend, ever. Distance makes the heart grow fonder, and I will not let go of this one. This is for keeps.


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