EVERYTHING IS GOING TO SHIT.
1. My dad went to the emergency room two nights ago because he thought he had heartburn. They’ve been running tests on him all of yesterday and today, and he’s being released this evening, but he returns home tomorrow for more tests due to the doctor’s predictions of issues with his esophagus.
2. My mom and step-dad are going to a mediator tomorrow afternoon to do the final division of their once shared property. The divorce becomes final at the end of April. Since he’s not around the house anymore, my mother is taking out her anger on those individuals that are within reach; her children.
3. I’m living paycheck to paycheck. All of my money goes to car insurance or gas, if I’m lucky. My savings has been reduced to nearly nothing.
4. I’m on the edge of failing trig.
5. The Hawkeye staff has completely lost any motivation to write anything since our recent conflicts with administration.
6. College. I got into UVA Wise and Radford so far; the first is nice but on the Kentucky border and the second is closer and alright besides its intensive Greek life. GMU denied me the first time and I have yet to hear back the results of my second application. Longwood has yet to make a decision, but wrote me a letter saying they would let me know of their decision by April 30th. The deadline to let a school know you will be attending is May 1st. And I have yet to hear back from my first choice, UMW, and I sweat in my sleep every night as I chew over if I’m good enough to go there or not.
7. I want everyone that I’ve kicked out of my life to drop dead, I really do. I want to stop hearing about them, I want everyone to stop talking about them. I want Jesse to stop mentioning Eric. I want girls at school to stop talking about the twins. I want Chelsea to get out of Hampton Roads. I want Jon to go back to the island he was conceived on. I want RJ to stay in Harrisonburg. I want Donny to take a different way to class. If they all died, sure people would talk about it, but it would be the same thing as when anyone dies; buzz about how it happened, funeral, newspaper clippings, memorial gestures, then their existence is forgotten by the general public. I would say that I wish this upon all of them EXCEPT Eric, but I’m fucking sick of excluding him from that group because “oh, well, he’s a good kid”. How the fuck do I know he’s still a good kid? I know he smokes weed and goes to parties and takes/deals anti-depressants. That sounds like a shitty kid to me. Sure I care that he stays sweet, but he’s not anymore, he’s really really not. And Erik’s right, I care about these people way too damn much. They don’t fucking matter, and what happens to them or around them doesn’t effect me whatsoever.
It’s just all so fucking lame. I don’t know what to do. I’m stressed as shit and Erik keeps trying to help because he is forever the light at the end of the tunnel, but sometimes there’s just too much. Sometimes you can’t chin up or cheer up or look on the bright side, sometimes that bright side is so fucking small that you have to squint. And maybe you don’t want to squint because you’re fucking tired because everything else, besides that patch of goodness, is falling to pieces.
I will stand my ground. I will lean on nothing. The last time things fell apart I convinced myself that something I once treasured above all else was too much to keep up with during times like these, so I dropped it. But I will not let this go. I will not let this boy let me leave him behind. He may not always be able to help, but he is my sunshine.
Anxious and worrying, so you spend your whole life hurrying,
searching for something better than what you knew before
and always knowing you are you and you are going to even up the score,
is that what you’re always fighting for?
It’s a long way back to a place once called home you left behind
and it’s a long night out with nothing much to say,
and it’s the things you hold in sight that you dream less of every night
until you guess it never mattered anyway.
And we’ve all got hearts and they keep beating
and they keep telling us what we should say
and it’s hard to listen anyway but these days
we are in tune with the way we love
the afternoon as it fades slowly to a restful night.
Everything is magic until it becomes routine,
in your bedroom, on the road or in the corners of your dreams,
and I sure hope we aren’t just spinning our wheels.
Whatever happens, I think you should know
I’m just glad it feels like anything at all.
So don’t push me down, I don’t go down easy.
And don’t pick me up just to see me be the boy you knew.
It’s just the distance between we and who we wish
that we could be don’t seem so far, I guess, as it did so long ago.