If it’s one thing that my co-workers and I see a lot of, it’s failed attempts of young men (or not so young men) trying to get our phone numbers, cheesy pick-up lines falling on jaded ears, and passes made that pass the line of appropriate. So if you’re really interested in sincerely making a move on your waitress, here are some tips to ensure you that you maybe have a slight chance.
1. The Pick-Up Line – Really though, does this ever work for anyone? From what I’ve observed, the concept of the pick-up line has evolved from something that used to be seriously used to something that is used ironically or humorously. Regardless of which way you’re using it, it’s still weak. Why? Because we’ve heard them all. Not only do we tote around treys of shooters and wipe beer off the back of our shins, but most of our job is observing how people relate to each other in a bar atmosphere. Therefore, whether they’ve been told to us or not, we’ve heard the majority of all pick-up lines. You think you’ve got one we haven’t heard? Lay it on us, because regardless of how clever or original it is, it will still result in eyes rolling and walking away.
2. The Ass Grab – Generally one thing that all men have in common is that they have mothers, so I find it funny that men still think that grabbing a waitress’s ass is going to get them anywhere. You’re communicating two things when you invade a waitress’s space like that 1) you have absolutely no manners or respect for women, which really just ruins any sliver of potential you had for an actual dating interaction and 2) you see the waitress, the woman, as an object undeserving of personal space or respect. Just as it is a rule for most people in general, don’t put your hands on your waitress. Nothing pisses us off more and it is sure to have its repercussions.
3. The Big Tipper – This is the guy who tips wayyy more than he should in hopes that the waitress will favor him. We are not strippers. We are not prostitutes. We are nice and maybe flirt a little for better tips, yes, but when you tip obviously way more than you should for a couple of Natty pitchers then wink at your waitress, it really just creeps us out and makes us assume that you think we really need money that bad. If you think that being a big tipper is going to impress us and make us attracted to you, you’re wrong. That big tip will be going toward drinks out with our girl friends.
4. “Here’s My Number” – This is really more of a chivalry issue. If you leave your number for a waitress and tell her to call you, she more than likely won’t. Maybe this is sexist and bending toward traditional gender roles, but if you want a girl to call you, ask for her damn number. Don’t make her put in the extra effort. This rule goes beyond just customer and waitress, but if you’re giving a waitress your number, you already know she works probably pretty often so why make her put in the extra effort to call you? Ask politely for her number then maybe, just maybe you have a chance.
5. The Stare Down – This is the creepiest of the creep. If you see a waitress you find attractive don’t just stare at her all night. It’s weird and distracting when we’re trying to get drinks out to people. And if you’re using the fact that it’s weird and distracting in your favor hoping it prompts them to come over and ask you why you’re staring at them, then, well, that’s just weak.
6. “Daaaamn Girl…” – I wish I was your jeans. You should bring that fine ass over here. The things I would do to you. This one should be self-explanatory. In conjunction with The Ass Grab, this is degrading and actually sexual harassment. Sure we may “put up with it”, but that really isn’t an excuse for you to do it. There is literally a 100% chance that you will not get a positive response from this tactic, and if you do, then that girl has bigger problems than just you.
These are just a few ways to make sure you never get a date with a waitress, but it’s not impossible. Be nice, don’t chat her up when she’s working (she’s probably busy), ask if you can help at the end of the night, leave a reasonable tip, don’t cross her boundaries, and ask if she’d like to hang out on a night that she’s free. Because being a gentleman always has and always will go a long way.
Side Note: I start bartending on Thursday. Super exciting for me, but just a heads up if you regulars of mine come looking for me I’ll be back there. I intend to keep up with this blog and twitter account (@wrywaitress), it just may get a little infrequent. Never fear, I’ll still be here. Come out and see me!